What I wore: yay my first-ever handmade shirt (I sewed it a few months ago, love the british pattern, the queen would be proud), Topshop Jamie jeans, H&M cardigan, sick earrings and a fancy darker hair color, getting wilder in expressing myself
Photos taken yet again by my best friend Kathi from Teepüppchen, if you don’t know her yet, please check her blog out. It is filled with fingerling and handmade pin-up clothes. Gotta love it!
I woke up like shit, sweating through the sheets with the nightmare still fixed in my head. In these last few weeks I have been dreaming so vividly and I can always remember the dreams I had. That’s weird for me, because in the major amount of 2016, couldn’t and I thought I had lost my ability to dream. Though this dream might not sound very dramatic to another eye, it did make me feel very weird and I felt anxious and tired even the whole day. I just couldn’t not think of it and it was driving me crazy, so after washing my clothes and eating a not-great breakfast (apple-quinoa-fudge-porridge) I drove to my father. I didn’t know what else to do and I kind of needed a hug from someone that I love, like my little half-brother, who never fails to put a smile on my face. Just his love for chocolate is so inspiring, at least it should be for me. So what led me to dreaming that way. They say we process the things we went through the day before or even a few years before in our sleep and it just so happened, that there are many weird coincidences recently. I went to shop some vintage things for my room and I really was very happy with what cheap things I found, then in the afternoon I went into town, to go look out for a clear umbrella. Let me just remind you, that this is the city Munich and it was a Saturday, yep, I kinda freaked out at the end, even tough we were only there for a mere two hours. There are just too many people, too many clothes, too much noise and stress. Not something I need right now, and I didn’t even find my freaking umbrella. I’ll now say I’ll never get into town to go shopping on a Saturday, again. Let’S face it tough, I’ll probably take the advice from Justin Bieber. After that I was#t able to function any more, couldn’t talk, think, do anything good. So I watched pushing daisies and then got bored and then with the “Le fabuleux destin d’Amelie Poulain” – film music in my ears went to sleep. Until I dreamed I suddenly had a new roommate, who claimed the room was entirely her’s and even tough she wasn’t allowed to, changed the room entirely by pushing my furniture in a corner and hers basically everywhere. I freaked out, because that was just plain rough and even tough she was really mean, also with what she said, everyone except of myself liked her and told me to shut up. I felt so so bad for everything, but now I think, you can’t like everyone and I’ll just push my furniture back to where I liked it. Then I awoke and there was this noise. Isn’t it Sunday, I thought, is it Monday? Am I too late for my first day of school after 7 months? Clearly the noise wasn’t the garbage collection, it just happened to have known very much in the night and they were clearing the roads. No garbage collection on Sundays. No post on Sundays.
– January the 15th 2017
These first two days of the week have been a hell of stress, there are just too many things. To many new people, too many things to do, too many things to think of. On Monday was my first day of school after a really long time, so I got up in time, showered and put on makeup, see if I wear it on my first day, I can wear it any day without someone asking me (dumbly) if I wear makeup. That was my strategy. There were so many new people in each class and I can only remember one name. Tough the grades don’t count for me, I was feeling very helpless in the classes. I couldn’t concentrate, thought about how much I hate school and how I did this all a year ago. Studying so hard and keeping great marks, while…well getting ill. Ill with eating, ill with myself. So I reminded myself, basically the whole time during lessons, that this is not important. Not in the slightest, well for now at least. I like my new school, the people are so nice and they helped me so so much, it was just so comforting, they are all very kind. I felt like I belong to the school already, tough I know nothing of it. Then I got the message, that I have lessons in the afternoon, too, so after my fist 6 lessons I hurried home, cancelled some appointments and hurried back to school after eating some bread. The seminar was really good and I hoped the whole time, that I would be allowed to analyze the (maybe first or third) Harry Potter novel. I am just gonna talk of ow much that would mean to me until she says yes, because well, that’s the truth. In the afternoon I coked for the evening and then had art lessons. I was just way to tired, to function or be in any way content with what I draw or paint, so I collaged all my thoughts, it was just too confusing.
Today tough it wasn’t less packed, after that french-german movie I saw in the cinema with many french people of a Munich lycée and afterwards listening to a french discussion for a mere 1.5 hours, of which I could not follow much. Those post first wold war movies, which show the so called relationship between Germany and France always make me really sad. I feel so so guilty for everything bad that happened in history. Especially in the world wars and even tough I am german, I somehow know I am not responsible for what happened before my time came, but still I feel like I could hate myself. Still the movie was really beautiful and the fashion of the 1920s is just very beautiful, I’ll hope to reach this vintage style someday as well. Then all the appointments of yesterday were today, then I missed the pay-off (dunno how I’ll afford the next week other than with me savings from christmas), had to go food shopping for the week and then make dinner and now I am here writing this down, to be completely down before watching the silence of the lambs, gotta love some good old human flesh.(irony-flag) And when thinking of tomorrow, I am already tired again, already tired.