What I am wearing: Zara shirt, Toyshop Joni Jenas, C&A hat, Danielle Wellington watch
Why is every week so freaking stressful? Tell me, is yours like that too? It freaks me out how little time I have for myself, the time where I write this right now is 13:30 and I have 45 minutes of free time, then I have to eat and then I have a lot of group meetings. Like 6 hours, okay we go porcelain painting, which I am excited for, but then again, I really want to make a special plate and I am not sure if I can succeed in that. At last there is this reading about eating disorders, that I want to see and why not take everything I can learn about that disease now, that I am really, really struggling the hardest with it. I don’t want this to rule over my whole life, I want to end this fight with body weight and body image and good or bad food in a time, that I can actually see, not like in 20 years. But I am thinking too much about all that, too. Is it better to look stick.thin like Audrey Hepburn or curvy like Marilyn Monroe. I’d love to have a even figure and be confident in my body the most time. It would be great to have my old kind-of curvy figure back again and not pity myself for being wider than some really thin and beautiful ladies on Instagram, but enjoy that chocolate cake and enjoy food like I used to and find just the things that suit my body type. Eat without thinking I have/don’t want to/mustn’t put on weight. It is difficult to see others not putting on weight and to make eating a beautiful thing for me again while feeling beautiful with more weight. It isn’t an easy task and it is really cursing my mind, not only that I feel so sluggish and worn out by my sad thoughts as well. Today we talked about the german book “Sandmann” in the german lesson and it’s content. Especially about the psyche in the story and which mental diseases the main character Nathanael might have, what they actually mean for a person and why he has them or what caused his actions. There were the following four: Bipolar disorder, the Freud’sche Model, schizophrenia and traumatic liability. Everything I know more of than I might want to and that remind me of a very sad, strange and rather bad period of my life. It’s not easy getting into this circle of thoughts, while sitting in class where no-one knows of this, they are even quite eager to know much, much more about this topic and this freaks me out. I can’t finish with all that when I am constantly confronted with these topics. It’s so hard…but at the same time I tell myself that it’s the best practice, real life situations, and there will be so many situations just like these. When people talk about mental health in a good or bad way and I need to learn, that this is my past and not my future. I need to establish a border between this and my life. Good thoughts might be with you now.
– Februar the 8th 2017