dressin'

Cake

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What I am wearing: Topshop Jamie trousers, H&M basics turtleneck long sleeve shirt, hand-knitted cardigan from my granny, etsy necklace, vintage belt, colibris glasses

Am I just a big cake, from that everyone can just take a piece of? Am I working for someone else or for myself? When I baked this big apple tarte for school yesterday, I was hoping to be positive about the whole situation; that I had only been working the whole day, my limbs hurt and I was tired. Then the cake wasn’t needed today. Because they haven’t told me, that we weren’t to be selling pieces of cake in the evening at a school concert, but the other grade was and that I should just place it into the teachers room and they would take a piece and maybe pay a little money for it, which I could collect tomorrow. Or I could take it back to my flat and share it there. It isn’t that I don’t want to share, I do share (especially food-but that might also be my illness) and I like it, but I don’t work my butt off for a good cause-for nothing. I am really stressed right now, because I also have to decide if I’ll stay in this flat, which is t00 expensive or if I take the step in around 3 months and search for a normal flat in Munich in which I can then live and handle my problems by myself with the assistance of a therapist and maybe a nutritionist, because even tough my progress is really good, always has been good, I am still really scared, that I won’t eat again. At the same time, I really want a room for myself, with space for a really nice wardrobe and to be able to have some quiet time and invite my friends whenever I please and not be a little bit abnormal by living in this flat (which is the best thing that happened to me in such a long time, but unfortunately I can’t stay forever and it is a little bit strict, too). I’d really want to take this step and be myself, a grown-up myself, with help from specialists, but still be free like that and be confident in myself. I know I am capable, but at the same time, it is a huge huge step and quiet frankly, I am afraid. Afraid it’s too early, afraid of being on my own, but… I’d love too at the same time!

I think I am in love with life and with living and meeting my friends and cooking and eating. I think I am in love with chocolate and with making cute stuff and looking through pinterest and choosing cosplay inspiration and maybe I am really in love with quirky movies. Movies like the Grand Budapest Hotel and Le fabuleux destin d’Amelie Poulain. I might be so in love that I want to host movie-inspired dinners at my flat. Maybe that is too much word considering that I have two tests next week and many decisions to make. Maybe, maybe not. Happy women day, even tough I didn’t feel happy today and it is weird to have this day, to kind of need it, I love it as well, because basically it is our day. Our women day and ladies, we gotta spoil ourselves!

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